ChoICE

04/12/2010 at 11:38 am (Uncategorized)
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Word: Choice
Source: “Eat Pray Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert, p. 256

And the loaded words keep on coming.

I looked through my entire list of cell phone contacts and re-assigned my ICE contacts.  ICE stands for “In Case of Emergency.”  Naturally, I picked people who lived closest to me and family members.  The funny thing is that after I picked my emergency contacts, I started scrolling through the numbers saved and started thinking about the people who would attend my funeral if something should happen to me.  It was a really random, morbid moment.

I have numbers for family, close friends, acquaintances, some old friends from college, a work contact or two, some old contacts from places I used to work.  I thought about what I had done so far and friends I’d retained.  Face it, the friends you have now are the ones you chose to stick by you no matter what.  At this point in my life, things get real and you need to have people in you life who will stick by you when things get real.

I’m thankful for the friends I have, even if we don’t see each other as often as when we were in our carefree 20s.  I may get mad at you for whatever reason.  We may disagree, argue, etc.  But, I choose to keep you and hope that you choose to keep me too.

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Maybe There Is a Point to It

03/03/2010 at 7:53 pm (Uncategorized)
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Word: Quality
Source: “The Areas of My Expertise” by John Hodgman, p.85

The selection of such loaded words thus far seems contrived.  But I stand by my original rule that this was the first word I landed on with the point of a pen.

I got some good news at work — which is more than a lot of people get these days.  It had to do with my performance to date and the rewards that my company felt it warranted.  I was happy.  Sort of.  I’ll get a bigger paycheck.  My job still primarily deals with many people who will not like what I have to tell them.

Some take it personally.  Some attack personally.  I try not to.

I’m reassured that what I do and how I go about it is recognized as valuable.  The stress and gray hair and sleepless nights are a little easier to bear.  As much as someone may say “good job,” the actual weight of those words didn’t register until now.  I like to think that despite the colorful language the issues I address with companies may procure, I helped someone denied their due get some of what they deserve.

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“I’m Invincible!”; “You’re a looney!”

02/16/2010 at 1:22 pm (humor, running, Uncategorized, Unrest, writer, writing)

Word: Elements
Source: “Self” magazine, February 2010, p. 57

So, it’s essential.  Element.  Something on which something else is built.  It’s small, but it can’t be broken down.  It’s powerful and sometimes electric.  Its what was left of The Black Knight?

Sometimes, I feel like as I go through life with my faithful servant Patsy dutifully clapping coconuts, there is something I thought  defeated and broken down that still shouts and taunts me as I try to progress.

When I started my current job position over a year ago, I’d been moved around within the company several times before being left to try my hand at this ever challenging and difficult position.

And I’ve done well, for the most part.

And I was happy for quite a while.

And I thought I could settle in and make a go of it — that my search for permanence was coming to an end.  The limbs of my adversary are chopped off and I can finally be on my way.

Now I’m not so sure.  I’m still nagged by a feeling of being unfinished.

I can’t see my future clearly as things stand today.  The biggest thing is that I can’t see myself staying in Chicago.  My job pays decently, but not enough to commit to buying a home.  The challenges I face at work are interesting, but also exhausting.  Sometimes at the end of the day, I don’t like what I’ve done to get my job done  — even though I may have helped one party by putting another through the ringer.

I often get the urge to move.  As much as I have here in the way of friends and family, I also see myself somewhere else.  I have a lot of, “I should have. . .”s;  I don’t have as many, “I will. . .”s.

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Just Over

01/24/2010 at 8:10 pm (beginning, Uncategorized, Unrest, writer, writing)

Word: Over
Source: “The Forest” by Edward Rutherford, p. 157

I’m looking forward to summer in much the same way I did when I was in my early twenties.  I have a mental list of things that I can’t wait to do, like go street festivals; spend time on the beach, and have a few laughs with The Girls.  Well, I’m not in my twenties anymore and neither are my friends.  We’re no longer a cohesive group of single city ladies who can’t wait to see what the next weekend brings.  Most of us got married and a couple are expecting little bundles or planning to try for one soon.  But not me.

While I’m happy for my friends, I long for some of the old days when the question was not if we would see each other, but a matter of what time and where.  I get the sense of ends fraying and the unraveling of lives woven together over the years.  We saw each other through many things — survived fights and breakups and gossip and drama.  I don’t blame marriages and children.  I know people change and evolve.  I know lives get more complicated with age.  I have no illusion that I’m still 24, but I took comfort in knowing that I could always call The Girls.

Now, its like I’m on the outside looking in.  Waiting.  For what, I’m not sure.  What’s over is over and it can’t be helped.  The pieces left are unfamiliar and I don’t know how to put them together.  I still look forward to summer.  This dreary weather does nothing for the spirit.  I want to be an optimist.  I want tan legs.  I want my few laughs.  I want to run more.  I think I’m alone on that, though.

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